fun fact: nike is short for nichael
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Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.