Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
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“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
Planet of the Apps.
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?