Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
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normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.