Rt to bother an English speaker
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For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.