I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
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The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
*frowns in Scottish*
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame