Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
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(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?