My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
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[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom