Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
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6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
When I grow up, I want to be 16
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less