My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
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oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”