The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
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i installed a ceiling fan in my room
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
Always…
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
Have kids, they said
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
I can also cook 😂
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?