Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
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Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here