Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
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[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout