[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
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*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
Still my favourite meme.
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.