Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
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We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
Real House Wines.
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.