How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
You Might Also Like
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.