Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
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Just why bro?!
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
I put the h in mysterious.
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.