[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
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Saw your ex at the shops
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
the icebreaker
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?