My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
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“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.