*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
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My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
He died doing what he loved: being alive
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
I got soap in my shower beer again.
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
I am HOWLING at this
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
couldn’t resist
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about