Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
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I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise