Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
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Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
smartest karate player in the world
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.