Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
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Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse