Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
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Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.