“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
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I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself