I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
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you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.