Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
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I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
You saw nothing. I am ham.
Y’all ready for this
Waiting for the Charmin
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.