My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
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Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
Finished stitching this today 😇
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
Me, flirting😏
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*