I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
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Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
Imagine having a party on purpose.
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.