Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
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Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
I will never stop laughing at this
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.