Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
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So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
Sticker placement is key.
*pronounces surface like Versace*
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.