Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for adviceš
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COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
That first coffee be like oh youāre awake HA just kidding.
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
āHowād you get that scar on your head?ā
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
āStopped a bank robberyā
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because youāre a pessimist.
People be like āYou knew what you were signing up for when you had kidsā as if we had any idea weād have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
Gravestone: If youāre reading this I am dead.
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you canāt figure out if you like it or not