I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
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Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
I mean…but I did
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man