PLOT TWIST:
You Might Also Like
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
When you “pspspsp” too hard
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
I’m giving up for Lent.
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap