*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
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Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
Damn what did I do next