I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
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DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
i’m sure it’s fine
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.