If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
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Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!