host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
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Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.