HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
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I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
lmfao come on
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
I’ll be mad as hell!
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.