Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
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Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
“We will wed,” I threatened
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip