you’d think eating your young was more filling.
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People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
KFC hitting the cannibal market
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*