The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
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My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.