How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
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*cough*
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
set yourself free xox
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
Botany good plants lately?
men, we mow at sunrise.
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.