There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
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i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way