I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
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Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah