Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
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Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good