Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
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My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!