I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
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If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?