the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
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A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait