No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
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If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over