*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
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If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.